Monday, November 24, 2008

Late Night Ramblings

I'm feeling down again. And since only 3 or 4 people read this blog, I figure I might as well use it for some honesty. We've been putting on a front, saying we are having so much fun "trying." But the truth is, trying to conceive is stressful and heartbreaking. We started out relaxed and enjoying ourselves, saying "it will happen when it happens." Nine months and a miscarriage later, it is harder to be so blase about it. We want a baby too badly to "relax and let it happen." I'm feeling particularly down because I saw a note on my calendar that said "20 weeks." I'd written it when we were pregnant... it means that if I hadn't miscarried we would be halfway through the pregnancy and would already know the sex. It was tough to see.

I pray, I read, I do everything the books and the doctors say. By now I am a fertility expert. An expert that can't get her body to cooperate. Skip shouldn't have to hear things like ovulation and cervical mucus. We DO still have fun trying to make the baby, but it is heartbreaking each month that we don't get pregnant.

All of you love us and want to help, and I love you for it. We hear things like "sometimes it takes a year or more," but I don't want to wait anymore. We hear "relax and stop thinking about it, then it will happen." sorry... impossible! We hear "so and so had a miscarriage and then went on to have 2 beautiful children." While this is often true, it doesn't actually help until you have that healthy child. The hardest is "God will give you a baby when the time is right." This is the hardest because I know it is true and I know it should give me peace. But I am struggling with my patience.

I want our first baby so badly that I start to feel sorry for myself. And I hate that... I'm not that type of person. First of all, I have the most amazing, blessed life! I am too blessed to be stressed! Second, I know deep in my heart that we WILL have happy, healthy children. Third, I have no right to be sad... my miscarriage and 9 months of trying is nothing compared to parents who lose their children at 3 months, 3 years, 13 years, 30 years. People out there are hurting more than I am, and I pray for them. Then again, thousands of unwanted babies are being conceived every day. If only Skip and I could conceive out of desire alone!

If you are one of the few that read this, please don't feel sorry for me. I honestly don't want pity, but I want to be honest with myself and the people who love me. I want my future children to know how badly I wanted them. So just tell me that you love me and that you can't wait to meet our beautiful babies!

I think I should say my prayers and go to bed. I'll thank God for you, for my wonderful marriage, for my health, for all of the blessings in my life, and for the miracle that is procreation. Thanks for "listening" to me share my heart.

7 comments:

Amy said...

Hang in there Chelsea! You are clearly loved by many people. Your struggle sucks right now, there's no way around that and nothing anyone can say is remotely helpful. I think being honest is the best thing you can do for yourself, those around you and your healing process. While you must feel isolated in your sorrow, it is one that many others have shared.

My prayer for you is that you find peace and clarity as you move through this heartache. While it may not look exactly how you imagined, you'll get your family.

Kouper Shane Kneupper said...

Oh honey. I can't imagine the pain that you're going through. I am so very sorry. All I can offer you is my friendship. Please feel free to vent to me any time! I will certainly pray for you and Skip. Maybe Santa CAN bring you a baby for Christmas... you never know. I love you girl and can't wait until you ARE 20 weeks and you find out it is indeed sextuplets!

D'Laine said...

I love you so much...I'll leave it at that!

Anonymous said...

Chelsea, remember, you can't have a testimony without going through a test!!!!

Hang in there and remember that God is faithful!!!

Anonymous said...

Chelsea ((HUGS)) I am sure you and Skip will have your beautiful babies soon and all this struggle will seem like a drop in the bucket compared to the years of joy ahead. I am so sorry you are struggling with the patience and I hope God decides it is your time very soon!
~Nikki

Kristi said...

Chelsea, I did a great prayer study awhile back. It was by Leighann McCoy. She comes with a long background of infertility. She probably had many of the same heartfelt prayers you have had. It's called "Oh, God Please!" The Heart Cry of A Burdened Soul. Check it out.
Not that I think you have infertility..this is just a season of life..hopefully short. Leighann now has 3 kids..I met her..She loves Jesus.
We all love you...keep your joy.

Lauren Lea Warren said...

Chelsea, Speaking out is the best thing you can do. It gets the feelings, anxieties, and pain out and not festering inside you. I have never been one to share my deepest thoughts or feelings with just anyone, but for some reason lately it has been easier for me to talk about them. It feels better to just get them out.

You are doing amazing...you are still trying. You and Skip are being very strong and supportive to each other and that is so necessary right now. I know your discouragement all too well. I feel that yearning for a baby along with you. I pray everyday that it would just be as simple as it is for many others. But unfortantely we were meant to know this struggle, as painful as it is, and for what reason, we may not understand quite yet. Jay and I are here for both of you. If you ever want to share, scream, cry, or just say something out loud, we are here. We love you and continue to pray for you.

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