I'm feeling down again. And since only 3 or 4 people read this blog, I figure I might as well use it for some honesty. We've been putting on a front, saying we are having so much fun "trying." But the truth is, trying to conceive is stressful and heartbreaking. We started out relaxed and enjoying ourselves, saying "it will happen when it happens." Nine months and a miscarriage later, it is harder to be so blase about it. We want a baby too badly to "relax and let it happen." I'm feeling particularly down because I saw a note on my calendar that said "20 weeks." I'd written it when we were pregnant... it means that if I hadn't miscarried we would be halfway through the pregnancy and would already know the sex. It was tough to see.
I pray, I read, I do everything the books and the doctors say. By now I am a fertility expert. An expert that can't get her body to cooperate. Skip shouldn't have to hear things like ovulation and cervical mucus. We DO still have fun trying to make the baby, but it is heartbreaking each month that we don't get pregnant.
All of you love us and want to help, and I love you for it. We hear things like "sometimes it takes a year or more," but I don't want to wait anymore. We hear "relax and stop thinking about it, then it will happen." sorry... impossible! We hear "so and so had a miscarriage and then went on to have 2 beautiful children." While this is often true, it doesn't actually help until you have that healthy child. The hardest is "God will give you a baby when the time is right." This is the hardest because I know it is true and I know it should give me peace. But I am struggling with my patience.
I want our first baby so badly that I start to feel sorry for myself. And I hate that... I'm not that type of person. First of all, I have the most amazing, blessed life! I am too blessed to be stressed! Second, I know deep in my heart that we WILL have happy, healthy children. Third, I have no right to be sad... my miscarriage and 9 months of trying is nothing compared to parents who lose their children at 3 months, 3 years, 13 years, 30 years. People out there are hurting more than I am, and I pray for them. Then again, thousands of unwanted babies are being conceived every day. If only Skip and I could conceive out of desire alone!
If you are one of the few that read this, please don't feel sorry for me. I honestly don't want pity, but I want to be honest with myself and the people who love me. I want my future children to know how badly I wanted them. So just tell me that you love me and that you can't wait to meet our beautiful babies!
I think I should say my prayers and go to bed. I'll thank God for you, for my wonderful marriage, for my health, for all of the blessings in my life, and for the miracle that is procreation. Thanks for "listening" to me share my heart.