Monday, February 16, 2009

I'm Certifiably Crazy... but don't say it to my face!

WARNING- this post probably contains TMI, self pity, and things you shouldn’t discuss with your grandma. Not for the faint of heart, so read at your own risk. And I hope you can see the humor…

It's official, I've gone off the deep end. I cry at the drop of a hat. Twelve heartbreaking attempts at getting pregnant and we are still barren... I never thought we’d have any problem. I started “trying” before my friends, yet I am the only one still not knocked up. (can you detect my carefully hidden self pity?)

Since we didn’t keep our Trying to Conceive a secret, (surely you’ve learned that I’m not the secretive type) people usually feel an intense need to tell us how they got pregnant. (and are now oh-so-happy with their bundles of joy) I thought I would share this sometimes helpful, usually humorous, often shocking, and almost always unsolicited advice. (this well-meant but annoying advice invariably coming from someone who has adorable children or is currently pregnant and never had a problem getting pregnant… my new rule is to only listen to advice from women who have also miscarried or who had to try for at least 8 months.)

And don’t worry, while we have tried some of these methods, we most certainly have not tried them all. After a year of reading, research, and quizzing my doctors… I’m an expert on what we should and shouldn’t do… I just can’t get my body to cooperate.

So, without further ado, here are the simple no-nonsense ways that my friends got pregnant and suggest that we try… (I couldn’t make this stuff up, folks)

Get on the pill
Go off the pill (hm, solid idea we haven’t tried yet)
Let go and let God (this makes the most sense, and I’m TRYING!)
Have sex every day for a month
Have sex every other day for a month
Have sex every day the week of ovulation
Have sex twice on the day of ovulation
Have sex 2 days before ovulation to have a girl
Have sex the day of ovulation to have a boy
Have sex only the days you feel ovulation pains
Have sex only in the morning
Have sex in the missionary position
Have sex doggy style
Have sex side by side
Have sex with him standing and her lying with her legs in the air
Have sex in the back of a truck
Have sex in your parent’s bed (don’t worry ‘rents, didn’t go there!)
Have sex in your childhood bedroom with your parents nearby
Have sex upside down on the stairs (ouch)
Have sex after curfew
Have sex with an expired condom
Make love and think about creating a baby
Have wild sex and forget about the baby part
Schedule your sex
Don’t make sex a chore
Have sex every chance you get
Don’t have too much sex or there won’t be enough sperm

Make sure she climaxes
Take prenatal vitamins
Take vitamin B-6 (her)
Take vitamin B-12 (him)
Take Vitex Chaste Berry Extract
Take False Unicorn Root to prevent miscarriage
Take Fertile Aid supplements
Take baby aspirin
Take cough syrup
Take Clomid and have twins (trying this now, cross your fingers!)
Drink lots of milk
Don’t drink caffeine
Eat all natural popcorn with parmesan cheese
Join a sports team (done, softball has a purpose)
Work out
Don’t work out too much
Do handstands afterwards
Lie down for an hour afterwards
Wear a cheerleading outfit to bed
Wear a lace unitard
(I’ve been sworn to secrecy on the source of this tip)
Wear no underwear for a month

Wear boxers and loose pants (him)
Visualize yourself pregnant (really?!)
Use pre-seed lubricant
Use Ovulation predictor kits
Use saliva predictor kits for ovulation
Buy a fertility monitor on eBay
Chart your basal body temperature
Check your cervical mucus

Break Up (no thanks!)
Have a one night stand (I hope you mean with my husband!)
Get really drunk and have sex
Stop drinking completely
Don’t drink during the 2 week wait
Don’t drink around ovulation
Smoke weed

Become a crack whore (hm, anyone know a dealer?)
Move to a trailer house (done!)
Go on welfare
Go on vacation
Quit your job
Get laid off
(is not making any money the same thing?)
Sign adoption papers

Get expensive fertility tests & treatments (on our way into debt)
Just relax (easy for you to say, preggo)
Don’t try so hard (not helpful, thanks though)
Just stop thinking about it
(GO EFF YOURSELF! Never say this to an emotional woman! If you want a baby more than anything in the world, you CAN’T stop thinking about it. And sure, you didn’t have to stress because you got pregnant without a problem! I can think about it all I want and you can't judge me unless you've been in my position, thankyouverymuch.)

In all honesty, I’m not bitter and full of self pity. But my emotions are all over the place. I’m sad and distraught; I’m hopeful and excited. Poor Skip. And the clomid is likely to make me even more emotional and irrational!

So while I might have poked fun at my pregnant/mommy friends… I most certainly know that they only want to help and I would never begrudge them their baby-related happiness! I can’t wait to spoil all of their babies… and God willing, we will raise our children together.

And to my dear friends who are also trying to conceive, I couldn’t keep doing this without you. (especially my Yuku friends) You are always there for me… picking me up when I am down and agreeing with me when I confidently claim that the next cycle will be the one! It is an honor to call you friends and I look forward to being Mommies together.

The clomid starts this week… and I know I’m crazy, but I actually want twins!


Kouper Shane Kneupper said...

Stop thinking about it... really!?! Not possible! Get laid off? Smoke week? Man some of these are really wack!
I am so hoping that the clomid will be your answer! I have only an itty bitty eensy teensy taste of the awful "trying bug" if you will and it really sucks. Maybe my guess of sextuplets won't be so far off! I wish I had a good bit of advice for you, but obviously none is needed! For pete's sake, please don't have 8 at once! Love you girl...

Kouper Shane Kneupper said...

I meant smoke weed, of course! Doh!

Sarah said...

Honey, we're all a bit crazy. Seriously.

Anonymous said...

Girl these made me laugh out loud--I hate when people try to weigh in on how to get pregnant! It sucks! And then when you're trying EVERYONE AND THEIR FRIGGIN' DOG gets knocked up and you want to kick them in the shins! I feel you girl!
Love you!
Paige Culp

Casey J said...

Oh Chels! You aren't crazy. I just wanted to show some love and let you know I'm thinking positive thoughts for ya! Hang it there.

Lauren Lea Warren said...

You ain't alone in your craziness! It's great that you have a forum where you can get it all out. I love to know that other people obsess about things too. I can't take my mind off of having another baby. I can't get preggo because I can't get to my hubby, such a different reason, not saying its the same, but so very frustrating. NOT BEING IN CONTROL is so VERY frustrating!!! I don't have advice. I can't tell you it will work out. All I can tell you is I am so proud of you that you haven't given up. Keep on screaming it feels good!

Chris and Katherine said...

I read this post and laughed out loud. I laughed not because it's funny...becuase really, it isn't at all, but because you can't make s*** like that up! As a fellow 1 year-TTC-er, I understnad your frustraion, pain, and disappointment. I think you are handling things so well. I always remind my hubby that if we were 16, it would happen the first time. I think the hardest part is trying to let go, and let things be as they are meant to be. I also have friends becoming pregnant and it's hard to balance my extreme joy for them, while also feeling that it should have been me.
Remember that you are not alone. I also passed your blog along to another neighbor who is in the same boat. We both appreciate your honesty and humor in hard times.
Thank you for saying the things we are all feeling!


Hint-o-mint said...

Chelsea, if you are taking fertility drugs and smoking weed beware of the NANNERPUS!!!!!


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